My Immortal
Honestly? Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way was GOALS…. Like, she dresses in ridiculously elaborate mall goth get-up 24/7, she gets taken to concerts by her rich boyfriend constantly, she killed a woman in the middle of a movie theatre and no one even cared like… she is the DEFINITION of iconic
hufflepuff more like hufflePREP amirite
Whenever I see people quoting/referencing/parodying My Immortal it’s always one of the same four or five lines. You know the ones:
The iconic opening paragraph, “Hi my name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair… (et cetera).”
“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!”
“I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT… BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!”
“Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.”
“And Loopin was masticating to it!”
As great as those are, I’d like to throw a spotlight on what I think are some of the underappreciated parts of this classic work of fanfiction:
Ebony puts blood on her Count Chocula cereal instead of milk.
Enoby is canonically a weeaboo and speaks to her friends in Fangirl Japanese.
Harry’s scar is now a pentagram instead of a lightning bolt, so either he found some sort of spell to alter the appearance of the scar or he actually took the time to carve a pentagram into his forehead.
There is an OC named either Tom Riddle or Tom Rid who works at a “punkgoff” store in Hogsmeade and has absolutely nothing to do with Voldemort, he just happens to have the exact same name.
Tara somehow got Fred and George mixed up with Crabbe and Goyle.
The reason Snape doesn’t like Harry in this fic is because Snape is Christian and Harry is a Satanist.
Marty McFly literally appears out of nowhere to help Enoby travel through “tim” with his “tim machine.”
Chapter 11 ends with Hagrid singing along to “a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent.”
Voldemort inexplicably speaks in Ye Olde Butcherede Englishe.
Voldemort wears high heels.
Draco has a flying black Mercedes-Benz and a black MCR broom.
Snape has a Dork Mark on his penis.
Speaking of penises, Draco is apparently “hung like a stallone.” I guess Tara is a Rambo fan?
Also:
The Hedwig/Voldemort sex scene, wherein Hedwig is a male human instead of a female owl, for some reason.
Dumbledore flies around on his broomstick while holding a loaf of rye bread. At least, that’s what I think Tara meant by “Sudenly a gothic old man flu in on his broomstick. He had lung black hair and a looong black bread.”
Oh yeah, and Dumbledore is an Avril Lavigne fanboy, because of course he is.
James Potter’s “goff” nickname is Samoro, because Tara erroneously believes this to be the masculine form of the name Samara.
Draco’s singing voice is described as “a cross between Gerard, Joel, Chester, Pierre and Marilyn Manson.”
Tara’s brief feud with her editor Raven, as chronicled in the author’s notes, may or may not have had something to do with Raven borrowing Tara’s sweater and not giving it back. IDK, it’s unclear.
Voldemort smokes a “gothic blak Nightmare b4 Christmas cigar.”
McGonagall has the best insults, like “horny simpletons” and “mediocre dunces” and probably some others I’m forgetting.
Dobby only appears once in the entire fic and literally all he does is watch Snape and Lupin have sex, and then run away crying.
Sirius is referred to as Harry’s dogfather, and not gonna lie, even if it was a typo I think that is a genuinely clever pun.
The Hogwarts janitor may or may not be Chuck Norris.
Tara accurately predicted how Harry would defeat Voldemort in Deathly Hallows. No, really. “nd den hairy wil have 2 kommit suicide so voldimort will die koz he will rilly be a horcrox!!!!!111”
This line: “Snap stated loafing meanly. He took out a kamera anvilly.”
And this one: “‘Crosio!’ I shited pointing my wound. Snoop scremed and started running around da room screming.”
Other highlights of this fic:
a section where Harry suddenly has some kind of psychic fit (”you could only see his red whites”) is repeated twice in one chapter for no particular reason
Draco commits suicide by slitting his wrists (except that in that same chapter Ebony explains that he can’t die in that fashion because he is a vampire and you can only kill them with a cross or a steak) and then is alive with no explanation in the next chapter
Hermione’s parents were satanists and her name in the fic is B’loody Mary Smith
Tara is under the impression that Lucious Malfoy has only one arm
the chapter where a troll took over the fic and posted about Ebony’s punishment in hell (to wear Abercrombie forever) and no one is sure if the account was really hacked or if it was just the writer fucking with all of us.
I think the younger you are the more likely you are to be certain My Immortal was written as a joke, partially because it’s the progenitor of pretty much all modern Bad Fanfiction Tropes, so when you read it now you think “oh they were trying to use as many bad fanfic tropes as possible, it’s clearly a joke” even though those tropes exist to make fun of My Immortal. My Immortal could have been written as a parody of bad fanfiction but it made such an impact on that subculture that it’s entirely possible that it only seems like a satire because it’s the original thing being satired.
My Immortal could’ve been an intentionally bad fanfic but that’s not a given. The uncertainty comes from the fact that My Immortal was written in a pre-My Immortal world, and the only reason it seems like a parody now is because we already know about My Immortal.
I should say that Mary Sue parody fics had been done before - hell, the name comes from a fic from 1974 - but never, at least to my knowledge, with that level of dedication and immersion. This wasn’t just a oneshot, a little “teehee, look how silly this overpowered, ridiculously-named character is!” fic. This was 44 chapters long, each with a fairly impressive wordcount, an IRL sideplot (an argument between the author and her beta reader that caused a visible drop in spelling), and accounts on multiple websites, including Quizilla.
Like, there’s trolling and then there’s trolling, and if it was indeed a parody, it was done with a level of mastery that would be impossible to recreate now.
I strongly suspect that the authorship and authorial intent of My Immortal will one day be as hotly contested within academic circles as that of Shakespeare.
Salvete, Gaius Iuli'us Caesar sum et pilorum album quam nivem habeo et aureos, sed interdum virides lauros et imperium Romanum construxi et eius eram quasi primus Caesar (sic merui nomen meum) et multi indicant mihi me Marcus Crassus similem esse (si non scitis Marcus Crassus, vobis opus est pecunia). Brutus non est filius meus quod est bonum nam ET TU, MI FILI???!?. Iamia sum sed dentes albos et rectos habeo. Pallidam cutem habeo. Etiam, maga sum magicum ludum, nomine Pigverruca, visitans quod desinam (ego sum MMCXIV), veni, vidi, vici. Classicus sum (si vos id non suspexistis) et multas togas emptas in Basilica Iulia habeo. Ratio amo et bellum Gallicum gero. Veluti, hodie omnia Gallia occupata. Omnia Gallia? Certe! Non est vicus parvus inter Aquarium, Babaorum, Laudanum et Brevisbonum. Ambulabam foris Pigverruca. Ninxit et pluvit et Gallia divisa erat in partes tres, quod me fecit felix. Marcus Porcius Cato me observavit. Digitum medium illo monstravi.
Chapter 1 of Jorge Joestar:
Hi my name is Jorge George Jonathan Stallone Schwarzenegger Joestar and I have a grandfather named George (that’s how I got my name). I have short ebony black hair with wild frays that reaches my mid-neck and icy blue eyes that shed limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Clint Eastwood (AN: if u don’t know who he is get da hell out of here!). I’m not related to Yoko Ono but I wish I was because she’s a major fucking hottie. I hate vampires, so my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I’m also a Hamon User in training, and I go to a private school in Spain where I’m in the first year (I’m eleven). I’m a mall health-goth (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly military gear. I love The Army/Navy surplus store and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a bomber jacket with brown fur around it and black leather skinny jeans, plain socks and black combat boots. I was wearing white chapstick, black eyeliner and sunscreen. I was walking outside my school early. It was overcast like England so there was no Spanish sun, which I was very happy about. Julio stared at me and accused me of murder. I put up my middle finger at him.
hi my name is edward elric the fullmetal alchemist and i have two automail limbs (that’s how i got my name). i love making transmutations (AN: if you don’t like alchemy then get da hell out of here!). I also work for the military where I’m in the third year (I’m fifteen). I’m a state alchemist (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly black. For example today I was wearing a black jacket, black leather pants and black combat boots and a red coat. i was walking outside central command. it was raining so there was no sun, which made my automail hurt. colonel mustang stared at me. i put up my middle finger at him.
Hi my name is Ever Given Ever’Green Imbari Golden Class and I have a long green hull (that’s how I got my name) with white letters that reach across my back and a red bulbous prow like a dolphin’s fin and a lot of people tell me I look like Sapphire Princess (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!). I’m not related to Conti Cortesia Ever’Green Marine but I wish I was because she’s a major fucking hottie. I’m a Golden Class Container Ship but my deck is straight and wide. I have smooth green paint. I’m also a Cargo Ship, and I sail in a shipping lane called called the Suez Canal in Egypt where I’m part of a caravan (I’m three). I’m a ship (in case you couldn’t tell) and I sail mostly in the ocean. I love Hot Topic and I ship all my clothes to there. For example today I was shipping a thousand black corsets with ten miles of matching lace and a lot of discounted black leather miniskirts, pink fishnets, and combat boots. I was carrying black containers, white containers, black half-containers, and wearing red eye shadow. I was sailing through the Suez canal. It was windy and full of sand so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of tugboats told me I was about to run aground. I put my middle finger up at them.
Hi my name is Dio Brando and I have long golden blonde hair that reaches my neck (that’s how I got my name) and fiery red eyes like fresh blood and a lot of people tell me I sound like Takehito Koyasu (AN: if u don’t know who he is get da hell out of here!). I’m not related to Ronnie James Dio but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie. I have pale white skin. I’m a vampire, and I studied Law in England where I was on the rugby team (I’m 200 but I look like 21). I was adopted by a rich man (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly yellow. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a a black backless halter one-piece under a yellow jacket and yellow pants that expose my step-brother’s crotch, a green belt with a heart symbol that matches my headband and pointy boots. I was wearing green lipstick, black eyeliner and dark eye shadow. I was walking outside near my mansion. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of Joestars stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.
Salut je m'appelle Ébène Tén'ébra Démencia Raven Way et j'ai des longs cheveux noirs ébène (c'est comme ça que j'ai eu mon nom) avec des mèches violettes et les pointes rouges qui m'arrivent au milieu du dos et des yeux bleu glacé comme des larmes limpides et plein de gens disent que je ressemble à Amy Lee (NA: si vs savé pas C ki vou dégaG d'ici!) Je suis pas de la même famille que Gérard Way mais j'aurais bien aimé parce que c'est trop un méga canon. Je suis un vampire mais mes dents sont droites et blanches. J'ai la peau blanc pâle. Je suis aussi une sorcière, et je vais à une école de magie appellée Poudlard en Angleterre et je suis en septième année (j'ai dix sept ans). Je suis une goth (au cas où vous avez pas compris) et je porte surtout du noir. J'adore Hot Topic j'achète tous mes habits là bas. Par exemple aujourd’hui je portais un corset noir avec de la dentelle noire et une mini jupe en cuir noir des bas résille rose et des rangers noires. J'avais du rouge a lèvres noir, du fond de teint blanc de l’eyeliner noir et de l'ombre à paupières rouge. Je marchais devant Poudlard. Y avait un tas de bouffons qui me matait. Je leur ai fait un doigt.
translation by toooldforthisbutstill