Harry Potter

harry potter: *finds philosopher's stone in his pocket*
edward elric: *distant screaming*

voldemort, wearing a fake moustache: hello i am your new defense against the dark arts teacher, my name is professor vol d mort
harry: something seems...off here

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DO YOU EVER THINK ABOUT HOW DRACO MALFOY IS JUST A HUGE FUCKING MEME YOU CANT TELL ME HOGWARTS STUDENTS DIDNT SAY "my father will hear about this" OR "potter" ON A DAILY BASIS WHEN SOMETHING HAPPENED. Instead of "thanks Obama" everyone just mutters "POTTER" every time something small goes wrong. Everyone loses their shit when Harry one day spills ink on himself and mutters "POTTER"

jk rowling's reasoning as to why fenrir greyback turned remus into a werewolf: remus's father insulted him so he did it as an act of revenge
the actual reason greyback bit remus: the temptation to succumb to the fact that biting remus whose name literally means ‘werewolf mcwerewolf' would be the greatest feat in lycanthropic irony the world had ever seen

the Hogwarts teachers were my favourite part of the books remember in CoS when they were so sick of Lockhart that they chased him out of the staffroom by reminding him he'd said he could kill Slytherin's monster in seconds, remember in OotP when they couldn't tell Harry they approved of his interview so they did wildly extravagant favours for him, like giving him twenty house points for passing a watering can, or bursting into tears and announcing that he'd live a long and happy life? on that note remember how much McGonagall disliked Trelawney and all her little digs, and remember how she ran forward to brace Trelawney as she was being kicked out by Umbridge? remember how McGonagall ran out to defend Hagrid from trained Aurors with nothing but her words and took four Stunning Spells to the chest? remember when she told Peeves how to unscrew the chandelier? i could go on about McGonagall especially for days but i love all of them so much

Harry Potter v. 1.07 patch notes:

• Representation previously only mentioned in social media is now made explicit
• Ron's dialogue is now uncensored
• Fixed bizarre bug that changed Arthur Rubeus Potter's name to Albus Severus
• Fixed bug which made Harry's job say "Auror" instead of "Hogwarts' DADA Teacher"
• Harry no longer returns to the Dursley's after rescuing Sirius and instead goes with him
• Severus Snape is no longer praised nor regarded in a nice manner in any instance
• Professor McGonagall’s Immortality is now implemented
• "The Cursed Child" is now completely removed from canon, as it was previously added by mistake.

Ron Weasley offered the stranger sitting next to him on the train half his sandwich even though it was all he had. Ron Weasley sacrificed himself for the good of Harry and Hermione at age eleven because even then he thought they were more important than he was, and the ones worth saving. Ron Weasley was Harry Potter's first friend and the first thing Harry ever had resembling a family. Ron Weasley lived in a cramped house and wore hand me down robes and he didn't even think twice about offering his room and food and family to Harry every break. Ron Weasley took care of Harry Potter and Hermione Granger when they were too busy taking care of the rest of the world to worry about themselves. Ron Weasley stood on broken bones when he was thirteen years old, to tell a man infamous for murder that if he planned on killing his best mate, he would have to go through him first. Ron Weasley was the person Harry would miss most in the world. Ron Weasley was a pureblood wizard who, from a very young age, devoted his life to abolishing blood status, even if he didn't quite understand his own privilege. Ron Weasley gave Dobby his own clothes and socks to be buried in, because he understood how important it would have been to him. Ron Weasley thought about saving the house elves when everyone else forgot.
If you don't love Ron Weasley, The Boy Who Cared, I don't know what books you read but they weren't the same ones I did.

The stupidest thing in the entire Harry Potter series was when they go down to the Slytherin dormitory and it's all dark and slimy and freezing and shit. as if Lucius Malfoy would let his son live in squalor like that. The house with the highest concentration of spoiled purebloods are happy to live under the goddamn lake? No.

You know why Harry Potter is amazing? 99% of fan theories, headcanons and meta could be canon because Harry is about as observant as a brick wall. Did Slytherins come back to fight in the Battle of Hogwarts? Did Draco Malfoy enjoy crossdressing? Was Hermione transgender? Who knows, certainly not Harry, who didn't notice Hermione time traveling around him for a whole year or his own teacher's hand writing

ok so what if Harry and Neville got into like this passive-aggressive lie-off regarding what a truly great man Severus Snape was like they got drunk and Harry was like ‘Snape though' and Neville was like ‘I know right' and Harry was like ‘what a… what a fantastic bastard. What a guy.' and Neville was like ‘we should fuckin' get him like, like… let's have a funeral. A huge fucking fuck-off sized funeral with like, lilies, and, a marble coffin, and a big statue, an' crying women, an' all that shit' and Harry got whiskey up his nose laughing so hard and he falls off his stool and just wheezes ‘lillies'
and then during the funeral Neville and Harry like spend the whole time trying to give a better eulogy like they keep getting back up after each other are done to try and have another go at it but then they get schooled by Hermione being like ‘for fuck's sake boys this is how it's done' and she goes up to the podium and just bursts into wild banshee hysterics and throws herself across the glistening marble casket, sobbing ‘oh, it should have been me, would to god that it were me, you stallion of a professor' and all the reporters tear up a little and then go home to pen really fervid biopics on this bleakly noble and tragically overlooked hero of the revolution
anyway like eighteen years later Harry names his kid after Severus and sends an owl off to Neville like ‘your move, mate' and Neville pauses in the middle of polishing the giant marble statue of Snape tenderly cuddling an armfull of adoring woodland creatures that dominates like 2/3 of his office to cuss a lot and pour himself another drink

Voldemort didn't just plan to kill Harry in Book 4. In all other cases except the Triwizard cup, portkeys only go one way at one specific time. Touching them again does not activate them to return to their place of origin. Also, when Harry grabs the cup a second time, it does not return him to the middle of the maze. It takes him to the entrance of the maze, in front of everyone. Therefore, when Crouch Jr. (as Moody) bewitched the cup, he planned to have it take anyone who touched it first to the graveyard, then to the front of the maze.The cup was probably supposed to be a portkey to take the winner to the front of the maze anyway, so they wouldn't have to try to fight their way out again.
Voldemort obviously planned to kill Harry. He had to. That was the whole point; to kill Harry in front of all his Death Eaters, all the ones who had deserted him and doubted his power to return. There's the possibility that he wanted to send Harry's body back, either to divert suspicion somehow or to intentionally flout his victory in Dumbledore's face. Except Voldemort had promised his precious Nagini several times she could eat Harry, and it seemed like a promise Voldemort was going to keep. So who was meant to take that return trip?
Voldemort could use it as a ticket into Hogwarts for a surprise attack, but he's freshly reborn, his Death Eaters are 13 years out of practice, and there's a flock of powerful wizards there for the Triwizard. That would be an idiotic move. Or what if Harry—or someone who looked like him—had returned to Hogwarts as if nothing had happened in that maze? As the victor of the Triwizard Tournament AND the Boy Who Lived, Harry would be able to go anywhere and do anything. Everyone trusts him. Two words: POLYJUICE POTION.
There was one Death Eater already waiting at Hogwarts who had very carefully been spending a whole year getting to know Harry, watching his every movement: Barty Crouch Jr. So here was Voldemort's complete plan: Use Barty Crouch Jr. to infiltrate Hogwarts as Moody. He gets to know Harry and sets him up to be selected for and eventually to win the Triwizard Tournament. He makes sure Harry touches the cup first. Harry is then transported to the graveyard where Voldemort is waiting. Voldemort uses Harry to rise, calls his Death Eaters to him, and then humiliates and kills the Boy Who Lived in front of them.
Then Voldemort strips Harry's body, takes his hair, and transforms into him (or else has one of his DE's do this—but really, who would he pick? Lucius is an idiot, Bellatrix is still in jail, and he believes Snape has deserted him). He then takes the cup and goes to Hogwarts as Harry. Later that night, Moody disappears, and Crouch takes Voldemort's place as Harry Potter. Then, when the moment is right, Voldemort-Harry or Crouch-Harry will assassinate Dumbledore (incidentally gaining the power of the Elder Wand, though he wouldn't know it), stage a coup of Hogwarts, and take over the wizarding world.
Heck, he/they might not even drop their disguise as Harry. The wizarding world has faced Voldemort as an enemy before, but if their savior Harry Potter suddenly turned out to be just as powerful a Dark Lord as He Who Must Not Be Named? It would be a far scarier prospect than simply dealing with Voldemort's return. It solves the problem of why Voldemort went to such lengths to get Harry through the Triwizard, when there were far easier ways to capture him: Voldemort didn't just need Harry's blood; he needed Harry as the world's hero. And all that time in Hogwarts would give Voldemort time to search for a relic of Godric Gryffindor, the one founder he never made a horcrux from.
Of course, none of this could have worked because Voldemort could never in a million years fool Ron or Hermione or Dumbledore, not even for a minute. But there's Voldemort's greatest weakness again—he doesn't understand love.

• Snape could've been an awesome teacher if he wasn't a disgusting waste of a human being. He knew from age 16 that the instuctions that the textbooks were giving weren't as good as they could be. He improved the potions and recorded his methods at age 16. If he weren't such a shitbag, he could've either written the damn textbooks himself, or taught his students his alternate methods. He could've revolutionized how potions were being brewed, teaching whole generations a superior method of potion brewing. Instead, he spent his time bullying children.
• There was also the time that Lupin was recovering from a full moon and Snape taught the DADA class and made all the students write essays on how to kill werewolves for Lupin to read when he got back. And if that wasn't enough, he made them write those essays hoping some of them would realize Lupin's a werewolf. And one did, but Hermione is a fucking DECENT HUMAN BEING and said nothing. Apparently the ‘insufferable know-it-all' can keep her mouth closed, when it's for something important. Just like Snape didn't do at the end of the book.
  But the cherry on top? In chapter 14, when The Trio talked with Sirius, he said that two years before Dolores Umbridge had written a law against werewolves that made it almost impossible for Lupin to find a job. Now ask yourself this question. Why two years? What had happened two years before? During Harry's third year? Oh, right. The Magical World had discovered that one of Hogwarts' teachers (someone who was in constant conctat with their children) was a werewolf.
  But that's not all! If we take a look at chapter 15, in the Daily Prophet article we can see a familiar name: Remus Lupin. In a newspaper. Where everyone can read it. "The werewolf Remus Lupin". No wonder he couldn't find a job! And it's not the first time the Daily Prophet has written about him, as it's stated in the article itself. There must have been a huge scandal when it had all come out. So basically, when Snape decided he couldn't handle not getting what he wanted (for example, SIRIUS BLACK GETTING KISSED BY A DEMENTOR) and spilled the secret, he didn't only tell the whole school. He didn't only tell the kids' parents. He told the whole Magical World. He told the whole Magical World that a man who had kept his condition secret all his life was a werewolf. And the Magical World responded with a law against werewolves.
  So, basically, Snape didn't only ruin Remus Lupin's life. He ruined the life of every single werewolf in the UK.
• When Lily Evans told James Potter that she wouldn't go out with him because he was a bully, he stopped bullying people and redeemed himself. When Lily told Severus Snape that she wouldn't go out with him because he called her a racial slur, he went on to join a racist terrorist group.
• Other reasons to hate Snape: that time when Snape was hiding out of sight in the bushes to spy on Lily and Petunia instead of happening to be nearby. That time when Snape dropped a tree branch on Lily's sister. That time when Snape defended the use of Dark Magic as a laugh and redirected the conversation to someone else's actions. That time Snape responded to humiliating and awful but non-violent hexes by giving his opponent a bloody gash to the face. That time when Snape called Lily a Mudblood. That time when Snape threatened to sleep outside Lily's place of dwelling in the castle in spite of knowing she did not want to speak with him. That time when Lily pointed out that Snape called people Mudblood all the time. That time when Snape was the one who conveyed the prophecy to Voldemort that put Lily in danger in the first place. That time when Snape's only moral objection to endangering a baby came from his attachment to the mother. That time when Snape didn't say ‘hide them all' initially but told Voldemort to kill the father and infant son but spare the mother -and only asked to hide them all after Dumbledore told him he was disgusting.
• Even MORE reasons to hate Snape: that time when Snape singled Harry out in a room full of people on the first day of class for not having extensive knowledge not required of them at that point - even deducting points for Harry not monitoring someone else's potion. Those times when Snape lashed out at Harry for a grudge against his father who had died ten (to sixteen, in HBP) years prior - who Harry couldn't even remember. All those times when Snape responded to seeing Neville Longbottom struggle in his class by calling him names like ‘idiot boy', demeaning him, and deducting points when Hermione helped him. That time Snape screamed at a 13-year-old Hermione and called her ‘STUPID GIRL'. That time when Snape lied to the Minister about Sirius confunding the trio - or else lied about being able to recognize it. That time when Snape burst into hysterics after Sirius (rightfully) escaped death. That time when Snape outed Remus as a werewolf (having been attempting to do so for quite some time) and caused him to resign from the only employment that would accept him. That time when Snape made a teenage girl feel even more insecure about her appearance in the face of her being attacked. That time when Snape frequently goaded Sirius for being unable to be useful to the Order in spite of actively contributing to besmirching Sirius's name so he could not be cleared. That time when Snape didn't just tell Harry to get out when he was embarrassed, he also told him to never visit his office again in spite of Harry needing Occlumency lessons for his own safety. That time when Snape gave Harry detention every Saturday for the rest of term because he wouldn't show him his potions book. That time when Snape broke into Harry's dead godfather's house to rip apart a picture from Harry's first and only birthday with his parents.

"Is Draco alive? Is he in the castle?" The whisper was barely audible; her lips were an inch from his ear, her head bent so low that her long hair shielded his face from the onlookers. "Yes," he breathed back. He felt the hand on his chest contract; her nails pierced him. Then it was withdrawn. She had sat up. "He is dead!" Narcissa Malfoy called to the watchers.

Harry Potter as a series repeatedly tells us never to underestimate a mother's love. Lilly's love for Harry nearly killed Voldemort the first time, Narcissa's love for Draco set him up for his real death, and Voldemort's greatest general was killed by Molly, a mother who loved all of her children and feared losing any more to the magical war.
In the end, Voldemort's fate twice came down to the choice of a woman, a mother.

Everyone always talks about how Harry has no father figure and how terrible it was for Sirius to die because now Harry's all alone (dont get me wrong, Sirius is my favorite character) but honestly, Hagrid is the best father Harry ever had. He did so much for him, and no one, sometimes not even Harry realizes that. Hagrid gets no where near the mount of credit he deserves. Take a minute and try to imagine where Harry would be with out him and you'll understand what im talking about.
JKR said it was really important to her that Hagrid carried him out of the forest, because he carried him to safety when he was a baby. Hagrid has been there since the beginning, and he was also there at the culmination of Harry's journey. He's always cared SO MUCH and been really open with Harry for the most part, which is something Harry needs since people tend to keep secrets from him. Yeah, he's irresponsible with the monsters, but all of Harry's father figures were pretty irresponisble, and Hagrid was definitely like, the most solid and reliable out of all of them. And he never left.
Hagrid was also most like a parent in his correction of Harry. For Sirius and Molly, Harry could do no wrong. Dumbledore saw Harry's flaws, but he depended on them for his own plans to work.
But Hagrid saw Harry for exactly who he was, good and bad. He was the first to publicly defend Harry's innocence anytime he got blamed for something he didn't do; but he was also the first to call Harry out on his treatment of Hermione in PoA. He is consistently honest and forthright in addressing Harry's behaviour and choices, and always acts in the way he believes will be best for Harry's growth and especially for his moral development. Harry is the man he is because of Hagrid. No one else did that for him.

Dumbledore, died at age 115

Horcruxes made: 0

Voldemort, died at age 71

Horcruxes made: 7

Conclusion: Voldemort was the most useless, magic dependant wizard that ever existed. He could have lived till like 200 if he just ate well and exercised, but no he had to go and split up his soul and ruin perfectly good jewellery, fucking dumbass.

Also just if you're wondering, nothing past the publishing date of The Deathly Hallows is canon. Not the shit in the movies, not The Cursed Child, and literally nothing JK has said (other than Dumbledore being gay). She gave us a great universe, but she's a transmisogynistic, racist, homophobic, anti-semitic abuser-supporting moron who doesn't know when to stop.